31 January, 2013

Final Thoughts

Maybe it's the winter rain turning my thoughts more end-of-life, but a dying man can also help it along. A man at our church has been diagnosed w/ Stage IV pancreatic cancer w/ only a few months left to him. I was trying to figure out if I would prefer having the knowledge of my journeys end ahead of time, filled w/ pain but mental clarity or just cut off w/ no warning.

It's not up to me & I don't think I would be doing anything different if I did know, maybe try to get a new wife for Mike, lol. But I think if I had my druthers I'd choose his situation. He's getting a chance to reconcile w/ & see his children/grandchildren. Thankfully I've not got any reconciliations to make but I'm glad for him. Morbid as it sounds (maybe I've read too many Victorian novels)I believe I'd like the chance to feel this robe of flesh drop off by degrees to feel...however it feels. Speaking of novels I cannot recommend enough, "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" by Tolstoy. It is short, not more than 150 pages I think & it is kind of mind bending in it's bleakness & ability to get you mentally close to the feeling of death. It's been recurring in my thoughts this week as well & is as well a fascinating glimpse into what death looks like at home as opposed to the hospital.

Then I thought, perhaps I am in the same situation & ought to take a more serious tact. Here I am, carrying a baby. Women 200 years ago were making out their wills when they discovered impending motherhood. Anything could happen & will happen according to Plan. I've read up on some scientific literature since Charlotte's birth & am wiser in birth safety than before; it's not quite as rosy. I'm resting comfortably in the fear of the LORD being the beginning of wisdom & take great comfort in death, like salvation ultimately being out of my hands. This is not the cover of the copy I read but here lies Ivan languishing.


The Price Family said...

Here is an encouragement for your coming birth, Psalms 37:4
Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

I Timothy 2:15
Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

Check out the story of our most recent birth I posted after reading your post at http://homesweethomeifchrististhere.blogspot.com/?m=1

Mrs. V said...

Thank you for the encouragement; I love those: "Do this...& He shall...." I'm striving (& in some areas there is internal strife) w/ making my desires His, but each little stronghold given over eventually yields more peace.

From what I've been reading, 1 out of 8 births ended in either maternal or perinatal mortality; I don't think Paul was talking of physical saving, & that's even more exciting to me.:)

And for an update, I received an email this morning that the man in church had died yesterday morning, months before we expected; his son & grandchildren were to come over this weekend. It's just a deeper reassurance (for me) that we ought to rest in God's ways not being our own.